Upcoming strategies from the RIAA

Create a virus that turns all vocals on .MP3s into Leonard Nimoy

RIAA's kind yet stern old mother will call offenders, telling them she's very disappointed

Campaign to show prominent bowlers and churchmen legally purchasing CDs

.MP3s will now include the 8-track feature of fading out, clicking over to next program, and fading in

Rap artists asked to shoot music pirates instead of each other

Underage female offenders given probation; parole officer to be Bill Wyman

CD purchases now include a coupon redeemable for one Madonna kiss on the woman of your choice

Tearful PSA from Christina Aguilera telling how declining CD sales mean her servants have to wash her solid gold utensils instead of throwing them away

Shame Americans by pointing at Osama bin Laden's big pile of pirated Country & Western

Fair Bear, the Non-Illegally-Downloading Bear

Children who turn in their parents will get free Britney Spears CDs for life

Kindergarten teachers to deemphasize "sharing", focus instead on "proper compensation for copyrighted artists"

The "King of Pop" to offer an "Amnesty of Pop" to the "Brigands of Pop"

Music retailers will lure customers with bigger-titted clerks

Breed new, hardier orcs and destroy the last elven realms