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Recession resume & interviewing tips
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- Remember to "sell yourself" in your cover letter. Create a cool cartoon animal mascot to help.
- If you're hoping to work for food, list any dietary restrictions.
- Employers like to know what you can do for them, so be sure to work "sucking cock" into every section.
- If you have a PayPal account, then you can list your blog as a valid job.
- The good thing about having worked for several failed Web startups is that no one will check if "Great And Terrible Overlord" was your real position.
- Look for jobs in England, where "barista" will sound a lot more impressive.
- The guy who repossessed your couch isn't such a good reference. How about that nice volunteer down at the soup kitchen?
- Why should references be available on request? Charge a fee!
- In a recession, you may not be able to get the salary you're used to. Calculate your new income by taking your old pay rate and kissing it goodbye.
- Dress as your favorite Walker Evans Dust Bowl portrait person.
- Use the time before interviews to bond with other job seekers. Offer to room with the one most likely to eventually earn rent money.
- Pity can work in your favor. Fake a gut wound with ketchup packets from the cafeteria.
- If the interviewer asks you to bark like a dog, studies show a fox terrier gets the best results.
- Talk very slowly, so later candidates are all rushed.
- Ask the interviewer, in an eerily calm voice and with a raised eyebrow, how much they love their children.
- Grooming is important. Be sure to dig deep in the interviewer's hair for those pesky nits.
- Demand a company car and a masseur. (Sorry, left in from 1995 edition.)
- Submissive urination has long been used by the Japanese during job interviews.
- Be helpful: offer to throw your resume in the trash as you leave.
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